At Crossroads: HIV Prevalence Among Gay Youths

YOUR IDENTITY AS A BRAND

FORWARD:

This is the first part of a two-part series I will be doing on sexual identity, finding one’s footing in the Kenyan gay community and the prevalence of HIV and AIDS.

Just recently, my boyfriend and I discovered that his younger brother is gay and is on the journey to discover himself fully.

I dedicate this series to him, and any other young person fighting to discover and embrace who they really are. My only prayer is that you go about it the right way. AIDS is real, and so are heartbreaks and being used.

Special thanks to the CDC database, where I heavily borrowed the data used in this series from.

My gratitude also goes to my boyfriend, who permitted me to share his younger brother’s story for reference.

The data used in this series is drawn from extensive research conducted by the CDC between 2015 and 2018, and no data is older than five years.

The study was divided into two parts. The first part highlights HIV prevalence in the USA and dependent areas, while the second part narrows down on the Kenyan community.

Alright. Let’s get to it then.

If there is one thing I have come to learn about the gay community, is that being gay is pretty much like building a celebrity brand. How one goes around discovering themselves, the image they portray of themselves at that point, and how they relate with other people will go a long way in defining how other people will relate to them for pretty much the rest of their life.

A few years back after high school, I remember being a hothead who rushed into life, desperate to discover myself more. In high school, I had played around with a bunch of guys, and then, of course, there had been Ray, who had helped me discover myself somewhat.

I guess I had never really taken a moment to think ahead, to dare to want to know what kind of life older gay people lived, and how I would relate with them. Like most of us, I had never really considered gayism beyond teenagehood. Maybe a part of me thought being gay ended once a person stepped out of high school into adulthood.

So, after I cleared high school, the reality that I was a gay man stepping into the real world hit me. Suddenly I felt the need to connect with other gay people. I wanted to interact with older, experienced people to get a feel of what homosexuality was like on that end. And again, given the experience I had had with my ex, I wanted to hang around older people who would, in a way, validate me, make me feel loved and wanted.

I remember being all green and desperate. I had no idea how in the world I was going to identify a gay person, let alone approach them. In high school, we would just hang out as friends, find ourselves in an isolated place, one thing would lead to another, and we would eventually end up having sex. There was nothing like kukatiana ile ya ukweli like approaching a dude for a gay relationship.

And then I always had a wild idea that most people became strictly straight after school to show maturity or something. Playing around with boys sounded like something only irresponsible teens would do. In fact at some point I felt the guys I had been with in highschool were more inclined because being with girls at that point was “illegal” if you know what I mean. I guess I felt then that there would be very few homosexuals in a world full of grown women that they could freely choose from.

With no idea of a social media platform or a gay safe space, coupled with the fear of being stupidly gay, I went about it the traditional way. Back then, newspapers would advertise these individuals who hooked up people with other people. I decided to take the long shot because this was more of a business thingy so the person on the other end of the phone wouldn’t really judge me. For sh. 200 I got four contacts of other gay people, one of whom is one of my very good friends to date. Scared and shaking, I put my best foot forward, and texted these niggas, acting all confident and cocky.

This marked the beginning of a phase in my life that significantly defined who I am today. I was in that same period that naïve young boys are taken advantage of by older guys who prey on the innocence and confusion of the young ones.

I have heard quite many a number of stories of guys who were defiled by the very people they looked up to as a guide when exploring their identity. My other good friend, who actually challenged me to start blogging, was raped and infected with HIV the very first time he had sex with a man who had shown up as his savior and all.

What always strikes me, however, with these encounters is that in most cases, young people let the older guys they are with define them and dictate what they should become. Not knowing better has always been used as a mechanism to limit the kind, and amount of information one is given to shape them into becoming the person the other person wants them to become.

The other day I was having this conversation with a friend wondering why in very many cases gay men start exploring themselves by bottoming when it comes to sex. In fact, it’s like being a top is some sort of a standard that a person only ushers into by virtue of “experience”. This explains why most guys in their late teens and early 20s are bottoms but turn into tops once they hit 24 onward. We both realized that gay roles is one of the misinformation the older members of the gay community feed the young ones with for their self-preservation.

How then can a person know better, and begin to discern the information given them to help shape their identity and character on their own terms? Unfortunately, this is a question that has no straight answer. There is no universal guide on how one should go about building their identity. However, I have put together a few pointers that should help the young ones maneuver the murky waters.

The first pointer is realizing one’s overall self-worth and refusing to be defined along sexual lines. This is one of the critical pieces of information I wish someone had given me back then. I remember I was at a point where I was struggling with self-esteem and desperately needed someone to like me and, by so doing, validate my worth. I came from a relationship where I was told I would never amount to anything, and although I had fought to speak positive words over my life and remind me that I was beautiful and love and full of purpose, I needed someone else to mirror this information.

It is the same case for all of us. My boyfriend’s brother is struggling with the negative message of the church and his parents regarding homosexuality. He feels like he is sinning. He quit going to church a while back as he seemingly got tired of trying to fit in. Not knowing that his older brother is gay, the young guy feels that he is different, and that nobody understands him. I have seen him going after men he thinks will understand him more, appreciate who he is. People to validate his worth and tell him that it is ok to be gay.

It is unfortunate, however, that the very people he trusts to guide him, to validate him, take advantage of him sexually. And yet, for the 2 seconds of peace and a feeling of belonging that these guys give him, he is willing to keep on going back over and over, only that it is never to the same person.

I have always felt like it is very vital to establish a channel through which these young guys can be mentored and have all their questions answered, and all their fears addressed. The other day I was watching “Pose,” and I felt the need to establish something akin to the households that take in confused young people, talk to them about their identity, teach them about the gay community, and of STIs and everything, equipping them with the knowledge they need in their journey of self-discovery, and becoming better people in the society.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not overlooking the contribution gay safe spaces have when it comes to raising awareness on HIV/AIDS and other STIs, as well as providing medical intervention for the same, but there is a whole sex and identity talk that nobody tackles. Young boys and girls are wallowing in identity crisis. There is the need to build and mold the personalities of these young people that, again, I feel has been sidelined.

I am forever grateful for one of the guys I met earlier on who taught me a lot about loving and valuing myself enough to know that I don’t need to sleep with someone to feel their love and affirmation, or whatever it was that I was after. This guy helped me build my own worth, and put a price on my tag that helped build the brand I became. How I wish most of us who have gone through life and its disappointments would take at least one young confused guy and show them the way in the same manner I was guided.

However, realizing that not everyone gets the same privilege of being mentored, I would like to get this message across to all the young persons who are confused about their worth and have no idea of navigating their sexuality and personality. Your sexual identity does not, in any way, define your character. You are an amazing person capable of achieving so much in life, provided you have the right mentality when it comes to chasing your dreams. Your sexuality is not a hindrance to who or what you can become.

Most importantly, you do not need another man in the name of experience to define who you are, or how you should relate with other people. It is ok to seek guidance and moral support from someone who has already walked the journey and knows the challenges, but you do not have to give them your dignity and self-worth in exchange. Sleeping with these people does not make you any more loveable or popular; it only makes you cheap, a whore.

I remember one of the things I much battled with back in the day was the attention I was getting. I thought to myself, “Wow. I must be damn pretty to drive all these men nuts over me.” At some point I let the 1 second of “attention” get to me, and I became rude and arrogant and snobbish. I would judge men based on their perceived finances and looks. If I thought you were ugly or poor, I had no business interacting with you. It took me a while to realize that I was only attractive because I was a new face in the game, a fresh blood everyone wanted to have a taste of.

However, my arrogance kind of saved me because, in all my scrutinizing of men on financial and beauty grounds, I would be left with such limited options that I wouldn’t really meet or interact with a lot of people. I do not wish for any other person to go through this. Kindly realize that the only reason men chase after you is because you are a fresh blood everyone wants a taste of. Once they bed you, they will move on to the next available fresh blood, and before you realize it, you shall have been tested by all men and left worthless and with no man chasing after you.

Let your pride and class and brand come from who you are on the inside, let men chase after you because of the personality you possess, not because they are on a competition to see who will have you first when you are still fresh. You do not need to sleep with anyone to gain their attention or love. I remember back then I would say to myself, “maybe sleeping with a guy influences their decision to stick with you afterwards.” Most young guys sleep around with men to ‘net’ them, which unfortunately never really works. Whoever wants to be with you will stick around, sex or no sex.

But above all, have a broken and teachable heart (beginning to sound like our bishop now). It is essential to realize that in life you always have limited information and that you need to hang around people who will train and teach you, show you the way. Once you realize you need to learn so that you can grow, it becomes easier to pick the right company of friends. Don’t hang around people who tell you you are pretty and can get any man you want. Don’t let that praise get to you.

Hang around people who challenge you. People who make you feel like there’s so much more you are yet to learn about humanity and life in general. One of my best friends recently started on the journey to rediscover himself after realizing that he missed the point in the first place. He told me the other day, “I wish I had had a different kind of company back then. I wish I had had people who told me there was so much more I needed to learn to be able to grow as a person. All my friends did was define me sexually, making me feel like being pretty was enough to get me anything I wanted in life.” Always purpose your best to ensure that the young kids you interact with never have to regret in the same way.

If at all you don’t remember much of the stories in this first part of the series, here is what I want you take home. Identifying your self-worth comes from developing your personality. Your personality is the sum of all the thoughts you have of yourself and your abilities. It is about identifying what you want to achieve and then working your ass off for it.

Your sexuality does not, in any way, define or hinder your personality. You are in the right body and the right sexual orientation to achieve your purpose. Above all, never let people define you sexually and always be eager to learn and explore. What you know, and what you have is never enough. There is a whole wide world of an intellectual realm that awaits your reach.

And that is how you build your identity to be your brand.