The African Gay Man’s Pain And Struggle

I BET YOU DIDN’T KNOW: That Western Africa is the most homophobic region on the continent. This region, consisting of 16 countries, houses Nigeria, perhaps the most homophobic country on the planet, with 98% of the country’s population opposed, aggressively to same-sex relations. 71 countries worldwide still criminalize homosexuality, with Africa contributing to 32 of these.

Last night as I was drafting the promised article on sex tourism, which by the way will now have to wait, I got a call from my friend Josh* (not his real name). Josh is a 16 year old Togolese friend I made a couple of months back. He is one of the sweetest and reasonable kids I’ve met whose only crime was being born gay in the worst region of the world. And he was calling regarding just that. Like I always do with anyone needing advice, I keep quiet and let him pour out his heart first. The 13 minutes of his lamentation goes something like,

“Hello Eliot*, I need your help. I feel like I’m on the verge of breaking. It is about school. Today a teacher came to class and as he began teaching, he talked about homosexual people, he said bad things: like we are not normal, that wild animals are better than us, and I felt bad, I cried, it was not the first time. Homophobic talks are more in my school, and the most terrifying thing is that the hetero guys in my class suspect I am gay and they make fun of me every time. I am not free to study anymore as they keep on showing up to mock me with their distasteful jests. Sometimes they are so cruel that I can’t help but break down, and I can’t tell anyone because being gay in my community is unheard of…. Sometimes I just wish I were dead…. They don’t understand i haven’t chosen to be gay…. I can’t change….. I have tried but I can’t……”

My heart instantly went out for Josh, as it always does for anyone facing homophobia. It is sad for such a young kid to be faced with such cruelty. Personally I know what it feels like to be discriminated and hated for your sexual orientation. I have been there a couple of times in the past. But what breaks my heart even more is the fact that these people who break us are the very people we would have looked up to for guidance. Josh tells me that this specific teacher is a philosophy teacher who “seems to know more about real life than me.”

The other day this self-proclaimed Nigerian “man of God” posted on my Facebook timeline what I wold consider very insensitive remarks regarding homosexuality. He said that homosexual people are individuals who are mentally disturbed and deserve to be locked away in psychiatric asylums where the devil in them will be forced to come out. When we have such persons in the society who are considered mentors and role models hating on the minority groups, then we have a lost generation. It is sad to observe how many helpless people such remarks push past their brinks, and how many suicides they spur.

Growing up I have had the privilege of interacting with people from all walks of life and schools of thought. I have opened up to people who have both accepted me for who I am and those who have cursed me out. In all these I have made a prime observation; homophobic people are generally sad people. These are individuals with the shittiest jobs, dysfunctional families, sad childhood upbringings, pathetic school grades, and struggle to be loved. The liberal-minded straight people who love me for who I am are happy people. They have everything good going for them. they are filled and surrounded with love. It is important to remember this as you fight for your happiness because it helps you categorize people, and rise above their hate.

Living in this society can be damning. You never know who to turn to. You might think the whole world is against you, and sometimes it may be true. But I love reminding people that they are beautiful, and they are wonderful, and they are love. It does not matter what the rest of the world thinks. The homophobic men and women in the society call gay men evil and pathetic, yet in real sense they are the evil ones. A gay man’s only crime is loving another man, trying to be happy. The only crime a gay man commits is living their truth. There is nothing evil about love, no matter what anyone else says.

I’ve come to learn that we are defined by what we consume, and the vibes we entertain. For a very long time I wanted my family to accept me the way I am. But all they saw was this evil animal committing an abomination. And as sad as this may sound, sometimes we have to look out for ourselves, even if it means distancing ourselves from people we consider family. I had to distance myself from my family because they could not love me the way I am, and that’s too much negative energy for any of us. If someone cannot love you the way you are, then they are not worthy of you.

Here is what I have always believed to be true; the only factor that helps me rise above all these negativity; happy people project love and positive vibes while sad people project their insecurities and fears onto others. I am not bothered by homophobia anymore because these are sad individuals whose lives are pathetic and have nothing good going for them. It is easier for them to hate and hurt others thinking that it will help their pain go away. Homosexual people just happen to be an easy and vulnerable target for this.

If by the end of reading this article you shall not have remembered half of what I said, here is what I want you to carry home; you are beautiful, and you are smart, and you are love. And if someone tries to tell you otherwise, ask them to look into their lives and mention any one good thing they have going for them.

Is Homosexuality Biological?

INTRODUCTION: As a young gay man in Africa, one of the arguments I have had to put up with on so many occasions is the notion that homosexuality is an acquired trait that has no biological factors attached to it. In fact, I have been told that it is such a filthy practice that not even an animal in the jungle would engage in. In this post, I not only establish the biological strings influencing homosexuality, but I also give you fascinating facts about homosexuality in the animal kingdom. I don’t know about you, but these are statistics I would not try refuting.

If you an African gay man, probably the most cliche statement you have heard is that being gay is unafrican, an influence of the Western world. That’s a whole new topic of discussion saved for later. For now here is what you should know, being gay is normal. In fact, according to research, between 2 and 11% of male adults experience some homosexual feelings. By the way, did you know that homosexuality not only exists across cultures, but also in the animal kingdom? Here is a fun fact; Between 6 and 10% of rams prefer to mount other rams, while female Japanese macaques even compete intersexually with males to have other females as sexual partners.

While the specific causes of homosexuality are yet to be established with certainty (genetics is still a controversial factor, considering that most identical twins of homosexuals are straight), I dare say that to a great extent, homosexuality is biological. It is important to establish these factors because there is a very strong correlation between beliefs about the genesis of sexual orientation and the tolerance of non-heterosexuality.  Specifically, individuals who believe that sexual orientations are biological are more likely to support sexual rights and equality than those people who believe sexuality is a choice, or an influence.

Is it just a coincidence that many gay men, myself included, are last borns? I have always wondered, and I know you have too. Some of the research conducted on birth order and sexual orientation would argue that this phenomenon has everything to do with gender roles. After all, various studies have indicated that a larger percentage of men with same-sex attraction were born later in their respective homes. Most men with opposite-sex attraction in these studies were reported to have been born the first, and therefore tasked with more responsibilities, hence the gender roles influencing their sexual orientations. However, this research focuses more on environmental factors, rather than biological.

One of the most consistent bio-environmental explanations for homosexuality, and one which I happily discuss today is the Fraternal Birth Order Effect. Fundamentally, the more older brothers a man has, the more likely he is to be gay. According to Ray Blanchard, a professor and a psychiatrist, the fraternal birth order effect is caused by a mother’s body mounting an immune attack on the fetus of an unborn male child.  He goes ahead to give too much details about the chromosome chemistry that i am too lazy to discuss right now. Simply put, the more male children a woman has, the more she produces antibodies which suppress antigens in the male fetus responsible for the development of heterosexual orientation.

Let’s just say that with 2 or more sons, a woman’s male fetus does not get the signal “to be straight”, with the phenomenon growing stronger with each son she has. This again would explain something most of us have always wondered about. Have you ever noticed that gay men who are first borns, or somewhere in between are more “manly” than gay men who are last borns (these ones are more effeminate)? Apparently, we last borns just do not get the flicker on. Now this one specifically made me feel good because growing up I always wondered why I was so girly. I can’t say it’s because I had a lot of sisters (I mean, I rarely saw them, same to my brothers). Turns out my mother just gave birth to 3 too may boys before me.

As I conclude, I hope I have made two points clear for all of us; homosexuality to some extent is biological, and therefore “African”, and it is natural and OK for a man to be effeminate. Si makosa yao, big bros ndo wengi.

Dreams From The Ghetto

A day is coming when no more shall be ghettos
This I believe in as I cross the puddle into our house
A day when products from here will be real men
Judged by their character rather than background
A day when street families wont be considered so
And skyscrapers erect tall in places of rusted tins

Though we run now at the mere sight of a street police
And stealthily creep on our way from the shops
A day is coming when our very own will be in the forces
And my own the commander in chief
A day when all men celebrate the ghetto
And sing of its successes and achievements

A day is coming when no longer shall we see
Patches of mud with holes stealing a view of the inside
Or worry of stepping on ordure as we stroll
Or keep on hopping to escape sewage
Neither shall we see naked protruding little bellies
A day when them from the slums shall be considered human

These are just but the dreams of a young boy
Staring into the future of the unknown with much hope
Wishing that he could bring together different classes
To see the beauty and abundance of the ghetto
And bring a revolution in the mindset of many
Will you be part if that revolution too?

How Do I Say Goodbye

My love, when you wake up in the morning
I hope you wont be tired from mourning
And whinning all night long
From the last I gave you call
Maybe your tears are going to flow
Once more when you read hear below

Love made you and I slaves
And only walking away saves
I know about that fear
That will arise from what you’ll hear
Maybe you will feel like you want to die
But just hold on for the future has a high

Our breakup maybe will render
Dry your lips once tender
The body that was used to receive
My love will now have to give
All that it considered love’s power
I say goodbye for this’s the hour

Goodbye is the most painful word
I could use to drain your heart of its blood
You were so sincere and true
Yet I now have to turn and shut the door on you
How can I say goodbye and wish you well
To finish this madness love calls race?

The night he confessed his love

By now the whole house is clouded by the sweet aroma
It’s almost seven and she is dead tired
The aroma illuminating through the hallway is the evidence
Of the hard work put in through the evening

He said he would come over
Had an important issue to discuss
The joy of hosting him in her house
Was why she forgot to ask what for

The clock strikes 7:30 and the doorbell goes
A little adjusting of the dress, and the door opens
Ushering him into the lavender scented living room
A bottle of champagne in one hand, roses on the other

She sets the gifts on the mahogany table
And sits next to her guest, hands crossed to the bosom
It’s hardbut gad to be done, so he reaches for her palm
Looks her straight in the eye, and the message is conveyed

Tribute to dear nephew

Never knew the pain of losing a loved one could be this real
Never knew the void left could feel this vacuous
Never knew the bile could rise this much
And tears forever flow

Not until I saw your eyes shut, never to illuminate sunshine
And your lips holding together, not parting for any more smile
It’s healthy to let go, but never easy
And that’s why I hold on tightly to your memories;
The other breath I draw

I would wish to say you left footprints none can step up to
But that would be to admit that you really left
And the strength for that I have not
Maybe you should understand
Because even so
The tears still flow.

The Gay Christian: A Controversy in Today’s Church

INTRO: The other day I got into a heated argument with one of my friends, Ken*, after I made a light joke about him and the boyfriend serving in the youth ministry of their church. He has a beautiful voice the worship team cannot seem to match. Ken is just about the most stout gay Christian I have ever met in my life. But that is actually the problem; he is gay. Serving in the youth ministry, Ken evidently loves God with all of his heart. He has given himself as a vessel for the gospel. It is sad, however, that he is forced to live within two conflicting facades.

The church has convinced him that being gay is wrong and ungodly. Now Ken believes that somewhat if he can separate these two sides of him, while at the same time bringing them into a peaceful coexistence, then he can be able to serve God while being gay. When you meet Ken for the first time, one golden rule you will have to abide by is, “there is no talking about God, or religion” (if you are gay, that is). He does not mix his gay affairs or friends, his boyfriend included, in any religious matters.

For a very long time in my life, perhaps the better part of my life growing up, I had to battle what the church said about me as a gay man. I come from a highly religious background where, from a young age, our parents tried to raise us according to the Word. And although this approach was somewhat controversial, and in my opinion, still is, my siblings and I did quite an excellent job in turning out spiritually right. I remember back in Sunday school, the teachers would emphasize on the different sins human beings commit and the repercussions thereof. Even though at that stage homosexuality was not mentioned, later on in life, it was added to the list of sins God passionately hates. By then, I had become more aware of my sexuality, and by the time I was 14, I would vehemently pray to God to take away the spirit of perversion from me.

Like most of us, somewhere in high school, when I was at crossroads about my sexuality, I would fast and pray, crying to God to change me. I did not want to be a spiritual disappointment. I remember this one time I went to church, and somewhere down the sermon, I developed “ungodly and unnatural” desires towards another boy. I immediately left church, convinced I was a full-time workshop for the devil. It took me months before setting foot in a church building again. Looking back today, I realize I hated myself because of what the church said about the LGBTIQ community, and not what God says (I had taken no initiative to find out what God says). It still baffles me when I think of the many times I tried to be right with the “teachings” on homosexuality.

The Life Of A Gay Christian

It is challenging as a gay man to find your place in the church. It is even harder when you are openly gay. I remember someone from my family once told me that I was wasting my time in church as no amount of involvement in the youth ministry or charity work (I am a philanthropist by nature) would save me from hell as long as I am gay. I am sure many of us have heard similar statements. Most of us have completely stopped going to church since the place that is supposed to offer comfort and acceptance is the very epitome of discrimination and hatred.

In recent months, I have been reading extensively on the place of the church as far as the LGBTIQ question is concerned. A shocking statistic reveals that religiosity is tied down to increased suicide risks, with greater religious engagement and feeling directly linked to increased risks of suicidal thoughts and actions among gay Christians than any other factor in the LGBTIQ community. A study conducted at the Austin Research Consortium of the University of Texas among college students shows that the LGBTIQ participants who reported higher ratings of the importance of religion in their lives showed a higher rate of recent thoughts about suicide. It is sad to observe that religion, which is supposed to provide strength and support for the sexual minorities, in reality, acts as the dooming place, condemning thousands of innocent lives to their early deaths. Another friend once told me that he is ten times happier out of church than he was before he quit church a few years back. This is the sad reality we are faced with. The question that then rises is, “where has the church gone wrong in tackling the LGBTIQ issue?”

As I take on challenging the church to reconsider its place and teachings regarding homosexuality, I would like to share with you guys some knowledge I acquired reading James Martin’s “Building A Bridge.” This book, written by a catholic priest, played an integral role in drawing me back to my Creator and helped me find my place in the church as a gay man. Martin’s openness and liberalism regarding the LGBTI community is something I wish, pray and hope that more men and women of God will learn to embrace even as they seek to bring the church in a Godly manner. The book is intended to give a sense of direction to the questioning LGBTI Christian, bringing them together on a dialogue with the church. The fundamental gospel teaching, according to Martin regarding gay and lesbian people is that God loves them. We are the beloved children of God, begotten of His own image and likeliness. And I am not saying this to excite anyone or give a console in sin, as I have been told previously.

I speak from the conviction of the Holy Spirit through a man of God to His own people. I want to challenge the church, which purports to be following in the footsteps of Jesus Christ, to adopt his model by seeking out the marginalized, ignored, and excluded communities of people. I do not intend to raise a religious uproar or division in the church. Heavens know my understanding of religion is limited to my Sunday School and C.R.E teachings. But I feel it is important to echo the words of James Martin, that in the eyes of the church, merely being homosexual is not a sin. Nowhere is it written that being gay is a sin. Not in the catechism, and definitely not in the bible. Whatever we have been led to believe as the church’s teaching is, in reality, the religious restrictions (if we may call it that) on homosexuality. Religious restrictions brand homosexual acts as being contrary to natural law since they are “intrinsically disordered.” Consequently, homosexual orientations are regarded as “objectively disordered.”

I like to challenge people once in a while to think outside the confines they are used to, by provoking the intellectual realm with which they are most familiar with. Allow me to do so as I wind up. Did you know that the religious restrictions on homosexuality, interpreted (more accurately, misinterpreted) as the biblical teachings, have a very remote connection to biblical roots, and more to do with the church’s traditional over-reliance on natural law? These teachings on natural law were heavily influenced by the writings of St. Thomas Aquinas, who drew from Aristotle. Aristotle built his school of thought around the idea that God’s divine will and plan for humanity is equally self-evident to the human mind as much as it is revealed in the natural world. Thereby, the cliché of Eve (woman) being created as the companion for Adam (man) works mostly to justify the human reasoning to understand God’s plan for humanity. Do not get it twisted, my people. I am just stating what your pastor will never tell you so that he may continue to impose his ideas on religion and homosexuality. We are victims of our own ignorance.

Another interesting ideology in the church is that God punishes homosexuals. There is the cliche of Sodom and Gomorrah where God is reported to have rained fire and brimstone in Genesis 19. But a closer look reveals that the two cities were destroyed for the fact that they abandoned the covenant they had with God (which stated nothing regarding homosexuality). Their sinful ways and sexual promiscuity may have primarily been marked by sodomy, but the cities were destroyed for fornication, an act the very Bible defines as “the joining of human beings as “one flesh” in a sexual union outside of marriage” (I Cor. 6:9-11). It is sad to see men and women of God capitalizing on homosexuality as both sin and punishment, drawing from the teachings of the apostles who were relevant at their time, discussing the prevailing social and religious issues of their time. Addressing the church in Corinth, Apostle Peter decries the fact that the church’s heart has been drawn away from God, that priests tell lies and worship idols. He says that because of this, they have been given over to the desires of the flesh, and that their women have exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones (Rom. 1:26). I love reflecting on this particular passage for it forms the basis of the misinterpretation of homosexuality and what it stood for in the early church. My point to the church today is this, do not borrow from teachings of a particular setting and impose the same ideologies under different circumstances. I pray that the church learns to differentiate between personalities and social structures and institutions, and begins to perceive homosexuality as an orientation, and not social punishment.

Allow me to restate my intentions in writing this article. I do not wish to dispute the church and its teachings. I am a firm believer in God and the teachings of Jesus Christ. My aim, however, is to bring both the church and the LGBTIQ community to a point where we begin to dissect biblical teachings and restrictions imposed by philosophers and adopted into the church as religious teachings. We are all created in the image and likeness of God. We have all been designed to fulfill a greater purpose in life, and one’s sexual orientation should not be in any way whatsoever, a factor hindering this purpose. More importantly, it is my prayer that the church will adopt Jesus’ model in teaching the gospel; spread the love of God, to each and every human being. The church should be our solace, our place of comfort, and refuge.

You are beautiful, and the beloved of God, just the way you are darling.

PS: Read James Martin’s, “Building A Bridge” and grow into that christian you are destined to be.